Haute Body: Jog On, Loser.

Weight loser, that is. Before we get started on my who youshouldtotallystartjoggingifyouwantahautebody story, let me give you the background to my hate-hate relationship with running, jogging and, well, all fast versions of walking.

My earliest memory of running was during cross-country chaos at primary school. I started crying because I thought I might die, so my best friend at the time jumped in the filthy brook to make me laugh before pretending to have a asthma attack succeeded by having an actual asthma attack. He was fine, but more importantly, we didn't have to finish the run. Great success.

Then I remember being about fourteen years old at high school when the school forced us to do what was known as the 'school run'. This is how schools which don't have a big budget for PE lessons torture their students. They make you run non-stop for an hour, around the school, over the road, across the field. Five times. We used to run through the school as a short-cut and consequently got in a lot of trouble.

Finally, two years ago I decided I'd start running for fitness and 'pleasure'. HA. I totally overestimated my abilities and decided to run as far as I could. So I did just that, running running running. By the time I'd realized I couldn't support my body weight with my legs anymore, I was just two miles from home but was completely unable even to walk home. I burst into tears and called my mom to collect me after vomiting on some old couple's gardenias.

So as you can see, running has never been something I've liked AT ALL. And yet, my name's GabriellaSofia and I'm a runner. Well, sort of. Not a professional or anything, but I go out running every now and then. Maybe once or twice a week. Anyway, let's not get caught up on the practicalities of it all, how about I tell you how I managed to make it from being sat on my fat posterior all day everyday to jogging gaily with the hugest smile on my face (which is usually bright red, sweating and has unfocused eyes because of my faintness after a hard run...):

1) I run around my block. Ten times. I know what you're thinking, 'Why does she do that, why doesn't she run somewhere then run back?' Well, I don't want to get stuck knackered the other side of town for one. But for another, I like the fact that running around the block ten times means I run past my house every three minutes and can change my mind and head inside if I feel like I might keel over. Also, I put a bottle full of water right outside my house, so I can spray it all over myself (usually aiming for my mouth) at the end of my 'marathon sprint'. Also, ten times around the block means I run for about 30 minutes, but focus less on the time I run for an more on making all ten laps. I find this gives me a greater sense of achievement each time I pass my house.

2) I listen to musicals on my iPod. Ok, call me crazy, but my most hated thing about running is the incessant sound of my feet slapping against the floor with every stride I take. How to fix it? Music of course. Only, when I listen to normal music I feel like I'm counting each song and trying to work out how many minutes I've been running for so far. And then you have the problem of a song you don't like coming up so you have to take out your iPod, stop running, fumble with it in your shaky hands as you try to change the track, then drop it. So I choose my favourite musicals, Wicked or Les Miserables, and play them from the start. It really takes your mind off the agony you're putting your poor body through.

3) I go in the morning. If I don't then I put it off all day for a variety of reasons, so its better to get the suffering over and done with.

4) I stretch before I go. Because I'm so unfit, I get really bad stitch if I don't stretch properly, so I do a couple of simple Reach Up, Leg Lunges and Back Bends to make sure my body is ready for a run. It really works as I usually don't suffer from stitch any more.

5) I eat half and hour before I go. If I didn't I would DEFINITELY collapse. I usually choose something energizing like a banana and a cereal bar and it literally acts as fuel. I also make sure I'm hydrated by sipping water for half an hour before I head out. Then, when I get back in I tend to treat myself to a really juicy fruit to put some of the sugar back into my body and water my mouth a bit more.

6) I don't wear my contact lenses. My theory is, if I can't see other people, they can't see me. Or at least I can't see the looks of disgust on their faces as they see what I look like huffing and puffing my way through my run.

7) I pace myself. Having been in a position where I thought I was Kelly Holmes and was sorely disappointed in my abilities, I've since learnt to take it slow. Really slow. Like, you could probably walk as fast as I run if you were rushing to get somewhere. However, it gets me good and out of breath and since that's a good way to judge how effective your cardio work is I often assume I'm doing enough for me. Take your time, its not a race (regardless of the pre-placed scars which primary school sports days have imprinted on us.)

8) I walk round the block one last time to cool down before letting my legs give way on my back lawn. I'm not a scientist, so I don't remember why it is important, but it IS important not to just fall to the floor at the end of an exercise session. You're supposed to cool down slowly, so I really try to walk at a normal speed once more around my block before chilling out in the fresh air after I'm done.

9) I brag about how much exercise I've done and how achy my body is for about a week after I've finished my session. It just makes me feel better about completing what I believe is a great work-out. I like to brag in a collection of different ways, verbally or via facebook and Twitter.

So there you go! That's how I managed to tackle my trauma with running. I'm going to the United States in just under a month for the summer and I'm trying to eat right and exercise enough so I can be as sexy as I was last summer (even if I do say so myself). I've been trying to run every other day for half an hour, go for a forty five minute walk with my mom five times a week and do a half hour aerobics session on the days I don't run. Also, I'm going to try and get back to Pole Dancing because I so much enjoyed the sessions which I attended at the British Pole Dance Academy which I reviewed here. I'd also like to get in the odd bootcamp class, but I'm not sure I'll have time! As ever, I only really want to lose perhaps half a stone (which I know sounds like a lot for a month, but I tend to lose weight RAPIDLY when I'm eating right and exercising too) and tone up, so don't worry that I'm going exercise mad or anything like that. I'm going to keep trying my best with my running though, as a bare minimum, so please help me if you have any running tips to share...

Do you go running? If not, what exercise do you do? Or do you have more horrendous exercise memories than enjoyable ones like me? If so, please share them, I'd love to know I'm not in the minority!

Love and snuggles
gabriellasofia
x

Top Tips for Bikini Wax Virgins...

If you've never been for a wax, then I know what you're thinking; 'No. No. No. It's not for me.' Well, I'd say that's a shame! Are you really prepared to give up having a neat bikini-line just because you're too chicken to endure fifteen minutes of discomfort? After all, variety is the spice of life! I'd tell every girl (and maybe even guy) out there to suck it up and try something new for a change... it's not like it wouldn't grow back if you changed your mind at a later date.

So why is waxing the way to go with hair removal? Well, unlike shaving where you can't quite catch every stray without nicking yourself or taking hours of standing, legs spread, over a mirror, waxing is something a professional can do for you and it is over in minutes. Not to mention, hairs tend to grow back finer after a wax rather than stubbly after a shave, and as the hair is tugged straight from the root rather than slicing the visible part of the hair off, nasty ingrowns are less likely and the smoothness lasts for 3-6 weeks (depending on your rate of hair growth) in comparison to the 2-4 days with shaving. AND you don't get shaving rash, but quite the opposite as most wax formulas these days are infused with aloe vera and the like to sooth skin and keep it soft also.

Perhaps you prefer depilatory creams for hair removal on your legs, or underarms? Why not use them down there, I hear you ask? Well, pluck a hair from your leg, then pluck one from your bikini-line. Obviously the latter is much thicker, which means you would need to leave the depilatory formula on for longer than you would with your legs... This is longer than is advised on the bottles and leaving the creams on for too long can irritate your skin and in extreme cases, burn it off. Not to mention that it probably still wouldn't touch the hairs! Again, even if it did, it wouldn't dissolve the hair from the root, meaning that ingrown hairs and quicker re-growth are to be expected.

Threading, epilating and plucking? Don't be so ridiculous! You don't have time for that nonesense and anyway, why would you want to drag the pain out?

So now you see, waxing is really the only way. Now that you know this, perhaps you need some tips to get you wax virgins out there started. Here goes...

1) DON'T do it yourself until you've had it done a few times first. Unless you want to rip your skin off. Raw is a look for meat, not bikini-lines.

2) DO research salons and DON'T just go to the cheapest one. If your hairdressers do waxing and you're pleased with their work on your head, give them a try down there. If not, then ask friends or your mom for a recommended salon. Otherwise, check the papers; there are often salon adds in there and having an add in the paper means they have money, meaning they earned money by being bikini-wax-wizards. Probably.

3) DO appear confident and like you know what you're doing there. Just like hairdressers and beauticians, these artists can sometimes get carried away with their own 'vision' and push you into something you may not be after.

If you didn't go in there wanting your pubic hair shaped into a rose, or ten grand's worth of Swarovski crystals on your bits then don't come out with it! Simples.

4) DO start slowly unless you're absolutely sure of what you want. If it's your first time and you are only just coming round to the idea of waxing then just have things neatened up a bit. If you've been sporting a power-muff for years, coming out with what my friend once charmingly referred to as a 'chicken-arse fanny' might be a bit of a shock to the system.

5) DO take a painkiller before and DON'T go during your period. As well as pain thresholds being lower during that 'time of the month' you also don't want to make a mess when your tampon string gets stuck on a wax strip... Grim.

6) DON'T be shy. Each day beauty therapists wax bikini-lines, ball sacks and butt cracks. It's really nothing new! If you are feeling a bit timid then DO wear a skirt so you don't have to properly remove your clothes and take some small knickers with you. The therapist may ask for you to remove your knickers, or she might be able to give you a paper pair which might allow more space for manoevre. However, if you want it all off, it's way easier for both parties if you stop being a baby and wang off the panties.

7) DO take a look at the job and have a feel before you leave. A pet hate of mine is to be having a shower and then find three random hairs that somehow managed to escape the Wax Massacre. If you want a full Hollywood (like a baby's bottom... literally) then you might want to offer to flip over so she can make sure you're taken care of at 'every angle' if you know what I mean. Make sure you leave with it exactly like you intended, because once you're home it's so much more of a hassle to go back in, row with the therapist so you don't have to pay more for her to finish her job, or try to do it yourself.

8) DO chat with the therapist and follow her instructions. When you first go in she might ask you to lift your skirt, remove your knickers and bend one leg to the side. Then she might ask you to hold the skin taut or hold your clothes out of the way. Do as she says. You don't want her to hurt you, now do you?

9) DO use moisturiser afterwards. Most salons with use an oil to remove any wax residue afterwards and this is usually full of essential oils to sooth the skin, but a layer of body butter will really seal in that moisturiser.

10) DON'T cry and think you've made a massive mistake when you're skin is looking pink and puckered. It's supposed to look that way, I promise! Just keep it moisturised and cotton-pantied for 24 hours then take another look. You'll love it... and so will he... or she... whatever floats you boat!

So I hope those tips really help. I genuinely think that everyone should at least try new things as often as possible, and it's those that scare you that end to have the biggest pay-offs. Go for it and you'll never look back :) Let me know how it goes!

Love
gabriellasofia

My First Tentative Steps Towards A Bikini-Fit Body...

It's that time of year where body image becomes quite the Hot Topic. Am I thin enough? Toned enough? Will I be confused with a sea mammal if caught laying on the beach this year? Eeek. The responses? No. No. And perhaps not, but only because I wont let myself lay out in the state I'm in at the moment.

At least I'm not in denial right? Working towards a goal always gives someone a purpose, so what exactly is my goal? Well, in a dream world my double chin would be gone, my upper arms would be toned, my breasts would be more pert and a cup size smaller, my stomach would be flatter with nothing to grope at and it would be toned although not too chiseled, my ass would be firmer, my inner thighs would ideally be none existent and... well, I think that's it. Not a lot to ask right? Wrong. Without going under the knife many of these fantasies will ever happen, and since I'm a student living on a students budget, I can just about afford to accept the fact that this is my body and I'd better get used to it.

However, some of these aims might be within reach, if I work really hard. So, the deadline is the 18th of June. This gives me eight weeks in order the make the best out of a bad situation.

Also, I apologize for being a little overly-critical of myself. I'm by no means a Fat Pig. And yet I'm not happy, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. When we force ourselves to think really rationally, most people know that there is really nothing majorly wrong with them. You know that honesty is the best policy and that's what I always strive for in this blog, so I'm going to go ahead and call us all out on committing one of seven deadly sins... Pride and hence Vanity. We know we are fine. But we don't want people to go about their daily business when we walk past because we are nothing disgusting to point and laugh at. We want them to turn their heads and think, 'Dang it, bitch is HOT.' We want people to be jealous of us. We want it all.

I am fully aware of this. In fact, I embrace it, because it's one of those almost unreachable goals which means that I will forever be working towards it which can only be a good thing. You can never be too healthy.

So what steps am I taking towards getting this 'Turn-Heads-In-The-Street-Envy-Inducing' beach body? Well, let me tell you.

1) I'm going to be giving some things up. These things will include red meat, any white carbs apart from healthily cooked potatoes once a week, drinks which aren't water or pure tea (although I will allow three spirit measures a week and a very weak glass of squash a day just to keep my life worth living), chocolate, non-low fat sauces and dressings (yes, this includes my two biggest weaknesses; ketchup and mayonnaise) and excessive amounts of cheese... a maximum of one small cube per day will be imposed without exception.

2) I will be drinking one mug of Herbalife weight-loss-boosting tea a day. It's really good but tastes like... well, I'm not even going to go there. HINT: it is known as Mingy Tea in my household.

3) A minimum of a half hour high-impact cardiovascular exercise and the same of low-impact will be done a day. I have already been running for half an hour a day for the past five days. Win :-)

4) 500 sit-ups are to be done each day.

5) I must use my Slendertone belt for half an hour twice a day.

6) I will have five mini-meals a day with my first at 10am every two hours until 6pm. If I'm having any basic carbs like bread, rice or pasta then they must be eaten at or before 2pm.

That's all I can think of so far! Oh and I'm going to try to limit my daytime naps to just once a week and a lie in past 10am just once a week too. This should mean my body is more active and hence constantly burning fat. Hopefully that should work wonders for my revision also as I wont be able to take one of my colossal 3hour afternoon sleeps. Everyone's a winner.

The only hitch is that I won't be able to properly start all this until Monday the 2nd when I return to university, as my parents constantly want to feed me up. I feel a bit like perhaps they are trying to fatten me up so there's more of me to go around when cannibalism is made legal... Seriously, all I hear is, 'And the chocolate cake is going out of date so we have to eat it right now', 'Will you cut the bread for with dinner and butter it? Yeah, the chips are ready' and 'Who wants a McFlurry???' Bah. It's not a bad life.

Anyways, if any of you out there have any tips for me or want to share your bikini body plans please let me know. Wish me luck!

gabriellasofia